Monday, April 21, 2014

Lucy miscarried.

What a terrible word.  It carries a myriad of meanings.  But I don't personally know of any meaning more heart wrenching than that referring to the loss of a baby.  Most of us know someone who's lost a baby.  I have had two miscarriages.  My mother-in-law, some of my sisters-in-law, a few of my dearest friends and some women who I only loosely know on FB have experienced a miscarriage.  For each of us, we have unique situations, but the loss is the same.  It's a profound emptiness after being filled with such joy.  I don't know that there is any feeling that compares with the knowledge that there is a baby growing inside you.  The Creator of the universe has bestowed one of His greatest blessings on YOU.  There is so much wonder and promise that comes with new life.  I think the "pregnancy glow" is just that, those feelings radiating out of you for the world to see.  I wonder if it's similar to what my Creator felt as He made me?

I was explaining to the kids how we wouldn't have Jenna or Jarod if i hadn't miscarried.  How can I even imagine life without those two?  Jenna brings a joy to the world like no one else I know.  And Jarod, I'm smitten, absolutely smitten.  There's nothing quite like praising my Lord knowing my son is playing the drums, my husband is beside me strumming and singing along.  I can't help but radiate His love.  And Jarod's dimples?  Look out ladies.

Walking through this with Lucy has reminded me of my own experiences.  I remember the roller coaster emotions.  Anger, guilt, sadness, emptiness, but then, as time went on, faith, comfort, joy, compassion.  I so vividly remember sitting in Bible study sometime before I had my first miscarriage.  Someone asked for prayer because of a miscarriage and I could pray for them but, I didn't get it.  I thought to myself how it couldn't be that bad,  they weren't that far along after all.  Little did I know how quickly that joy and excitement builds from the moment you find out.  And how quickly it all comes crashing down around you when you realize that miscarriage now applies to you.  

I sometimes felt silly for being so sad.  After all, it wasn't like I was 18 weeks.  I was about 7 weeks each time.  But still, the literal and figurative emptiness that accompanied the word miscarriage blind sided me.  With each miscarriage I had, I picked out a special Christmas ornament to remember them by.  For John and I, we believe those two babies are waiting for us in Heaven.  And, I didn't want life to go on as normal and forget about those two.  Especially when I had Jenna and then Jarod to fill those voids.  The last few Christmases, the kids have placed all the ornaments on the tree.  I cried tonight when i realized I don't even know if those two special ornaments made it on the tree.  This Christmas, I'll have to make sure they make it up.

There's a song that we sing in church.  It's called "Blessed Be Your Name".  One of the lines says, "He gives and takes away".  It's one of our favorites.  The song took on new meaning when a dear friend told how her sister and family sang this song in the hospital as they held their still born baby.  What a testament to the faith we have in our Creator.  And what a reminder to really think about the words we are singing.

I imagine Lucy is experiencing the roller coaster now.  In her own way.  I can only hope and pray that as she's surrounded by a sisterhood of women to love and encourage her, that she is comforted.  That our stories of Gods sovereignty and His love, and His faithfulness will encourage her.  That someday soon, she'll wake up realizing, joy really does come in the morning.